With buckets of champagne on ice, much cheery flag-waving, a well-catered dinner, and a floorshow featuring lederhosen, yodelling and the heavy stench of corruption, FIFA's scandal-riven Congress began.
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The opening ceremony of the global soccer federation's meeting on Thursday evening – intended as a celebration of world harmony through sport – rang as false as a desperate dive in the penalty box amid the allegations of illicit backhanders and rorted votes. Its cheesy Euro-kitsch flavour astounded those watching FIFA's YouTube broadcast.
"Fourteen bosses arrested for corruption. FIFA responds with dancing girls and power ballads," one British commentator said.
Meanwhile, Australia's football chiefs stayed out of sight in Zurich's luxurious Baur au Lac hotel where the previous day police raids triggered the biggest crisis in FIFA's history.
Both Football Federation Australia chairman Frank Lowy and CEO David Gallop ducked the public eye, issuing only a statement announcing they would vote to oust Sepp Blatter from the FIFA presidency.
The FFA press release said Mr Lowy announced this "speaking in Zurich after a round of meetings", however if he did speak to anyone it was not to any of the Australian media in Zurich.
Mr Gallop declined to explain on the record why Mr Lowy was not available, or why he couldn't comment himself.
Few others played their cards so close to their chests.
'Too many scandals'
UEFA president Michel Platini gave a long, emotional press conference in which he revealed how he had approached his "old friend" Sepp Blatter and told him he should resign.
"I say these things with tears in my eyes. I don't like it this way. But there are just too many scandals," Mr Platini said.
"I have affection for Mr Blatter ... we have supported him for a long time. I think it is the quality of a friend to speak to his friend about what is the reality. If it is not for me to tell him [to go], nobody will tell him."
Outside the Congress opening ceremony, the head of the Barbados Football Association – Randolph 'Randy' Harris – candidly outlined his thoughts on FIFA's corruption.
"It is a scandal," he said. "I have not been exposed to it personally … Rumours, I've heard rumours before, but I certainly did not think that anyone in CONCACAF [Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football] was receiving anything, so this has been a real shocker and an eye-opener for me."
But he said he – and other delegates from the Caribbean – had not yet decided whether to vote against Mr Blatter in Friday's presidency ballot.
"We are going to vote for the candidate who we think can do the most for us – and we are still contemplating who we think it is."
It was a frank admission – and an insight into how Mr Blatter has cemented his power and influence. Mr Harris explained: for a tiny nation like Barbados, the funds supporting the development of football had been a lifeline, and he clearly believed that Mr Blatter could be thanked for that.
"We are small countries … obviously we have been getting a lot of help with our coaching and other aspects of football, and facilities which are important for the game.
"[Mr Blatter] has some pretty good policies for countries like us. That is the point. That is the point! I am the president of a national association who is getting assistance from FIFA. Honest assistance. Nothing underhand. So obviously I am quite happy with the situation at the moment. I am disappointed at the number of things that have developed but basically at this moment, we are getting help."
The opening ceremony
Mr Harris was one of hundreds of delegates arriving at the well-guarded theatre where the opening ceremony took place.
Some drove up in buses, taking photos with their smartphones of the hordes of media and the anti-Israel demonstration across the road. VIPs pulled up in black Mercedes sedans with shaded windows, greeted with kisses and handshakes.
Out the back, waiters were hard at work uncorking wine, ferrying back and forth metal buckets full of ice and champagne and vases of flowers. Inside, long tables were set for dinner and decorated with yellow flowers.
Mr Blatter told the delegates that a "long shadow" of "shame and humiliation" had been cast over football. FIFA's – and football's – reputation had been dragged through the mud, he said, warning delegates of hard months and "more bad news" to come.
He encouraged them to watch the floorshow for a reminder of "what we are fighting for".
And so – to the floorshow. There were lederhosen and silly accordion-accompanied dancing. There was yodelling and beatboxing. There were 'Top Secret' uniformed drummers with white feathers in their hats, and synchronised flag wavers. There was a sort of Swiss steel drum performance and some tame parkour. There was choreography that struggled to escape the 1980s, let alone reach the 21st century. Then there were speeches packed with tired metaphors and utterly exhausted clichés (apparently football is "poetry in motion").
And then, after a final long power ballad, the farewell from the tall blonde host on stage, with a promise of more treats to come.
"The night is not over yet. We would like to invite you to the FIFA Official Dinner to continue to celebrate the world of football."
Delicious football.
