"This won't take long," promised the specialist as I nervously lowered my pants. "It'll be over before you know it." He said it with such practiced nonchalance that I believed him.
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Until he pulled on a latex glove and introduced me to what seemed like the longest finger in recorded history.
Physicists say time slows down near a black hole. On earth it comes to a shuddering halt during a prostate examination. The probing by the urologist probably lasted no longer than 20 seconds. But in that time it felt like mountain ranges were rising and falling, continents were colliding and an Ice Age or two had come and gone.
"Was that so bad?" he asked when it was over. I acknowledged him with an embarrassed shrug, my jaw too clenched to speak. But he was right. It was a trivial interlude in the scheme of things. I was simply acting like a typical bloke.
What is it with us men? We service our cars more diligently than the bodies that drive them. We'll scrutinise tyre pressures and forensically examine oil levels. But a twinge in our groin or increasing nightly visits to the loo have us performing credible impersonations of those Easter Island statues.
Research shows men are less likely than women to undergo preventative medical checks and far more likely to downplay symptoms and delay seeking help. Stoicism, embarrassment and a warped belief that ignoring a problem is a sign of strength all play a role.
We're hard wired for denial. And it's killing us.
Prostate cancer is now the most commonly detected male cancer. Several thousand men will die from it this year. Tens of thousands will be diagnosed. The survival rate is high but those statistics carry an asterix - outcomes improve with early detection.
So you'd imagine the public conversation around this issue would be robust. You know, plenty of taxpayer-funded public service announcements so beloved by governments, exhorting the male population to undergo testing. At the least you could expect a moment of sombre silence at a footy game to commemorate the victims.
But all we hear is a chorus of crickets.
Health shouldn't be a competition. Yet it's not hard to notice how different diseases are perceived in the public imagination. Breast cancer, thanks to decades of passionate advocacy, has become a movement. The Sydney Test match is annually bathed in a sea of pink shirts and signs of solidarity. Survivors and sufferers speak openly about their ordeals, encouraging more women to undergo testing.
My mother endured breast cancer and the large friendship and support circle that developed around her was staggering. Her brother, on the other hand, died a slow and painful death from prostate cancer after ignoring his symptoms for too long. Needless to say the queue of empathetic blokes at his door was small.
Prostate cancer has no cultural foothold, no annual event inviting men to confront its debilitating effects, no shared language that makes conversations easier to start. And men have only themselves to blame. Breast cancer attracts greater support and investment because women demand it.
It's not an imbalance caused by malice or neglect but by something more human. Our species responds to storytelling. We're motivated by the conversations we hear and the tales we're told. Women are talkers and that's not a trite or sexist observation. They're wired for openness. They're willing to share.
When I told a male friend I was seeing a prostate specialist this week after months of troublesome symptoms he winced and wished me luck. But he didn't ask questions because he didn't want to know.
The specialist had good news. But an asterix was attached. He couldn't detect any signs of cancer, although my prostate is enlarged and its impact will only worsen. Further scans are required but he expects an operation will be required to reduce its size and improve my sleep and peace of mind.
It's a prospect I'd rather not think about, to be honest. That conspiratorial blokey voice inside me still whispers that I'd be better off ignoring it.
But it's a voice that sure as hell isn't worth dying for.
HAVE YOUR SAY: Why are men so squeamish about seeing a doctor compared to women? Are you a cancer survivor? Is there a discrepancy in the way we fund men's and women's diseases? Email us: echidna@theechidna.com.au
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THEY SAID IT: "Many men feel that help-seeking threatens their sense of independence or competence." - Paul Galdas, Professor of Men's Health
YOU SAID IT: The Middle East war should accelerate the world's move away from fossil fuels, wrote John, especially after Ukraine's attacks on Russian refineries and oil terminals, which have worsened the global energy crunch.
"I am an 80-year-old and it has always been my position that fossil fuels are merely the kindling," writes Alan. "My thoughts have always been that we must move to renewables as quickly as possible, the transition is inevitable, fossil fuels are a finite resource. Sadly, the world is ruled by greedy resource skimmers, all not paying appropriate royalties for the resource that they are diminishing."
Petrochemicals are vital for modern life, writes Susan. "We haven't yet discovered all of their potential uses. Burning finite resources is willful human folly as is filling the oceans with wasted plastic. Leave whatever oil we have in the ground until we really need it and can use it properly. Ukraine is never far from my mind and at least Europe is keeping its powder dry in the Middle East and supporting them."
Ian writes: "Indeed what a mess the leaders of the Kremlin and White House have created. In addition to unleashing untold suffering in Ukraine and Iran, we will all be worse off in the short term as a result. A silver lining however is that the shift away from fossil fuels has been given a huge boost. First with Europe exiting Russian gas and now sales of solar, batteries and EVs are skyrocketing as people and whole countries try to reduce their dependence on fossil fuels. I remember your disparaging remarks of a couple of years ago comparing driving a Tesla to driving an Ipad. Our household has just clocked 100,000kms of electric driving. At least the Ipad doesn't need petrol or diesel. Now we need to get our heavy vehicle fleet electrified."
"We should diversify our energy sources including nuclear energy as much as possible," writes Arthur. "Apart from being sensible, diversification of our energy sources will make us less vulnerable to the whims of powerful dictators whose only concern is their own power."
